I'm Doing My COVID Best
‘Tis the season of performance reviews, mid-year feedback, and all other manner of evaluation. If you are anything like me, you may be feeling like you are not doing so hot at your job. After having my own performance review and development (PRD) meeting, reading a colleague’s assessment of their own performance, and discussing with my supervisor and friend, my therapist, and my partner, I realized that many of us are struggling to accurately assess what we have accomplished this semester. I realized that I am judging my performance this semester against an unattainable standard of normalcy. If you find that this is true for you, I hope this blog post helps you to be more gentle and gracious with yourself.
Differentiating your best from your COVID best
The system we use at my job for performance review includes a 5-point Likert scale that goes from unsatisfactory to outstanding, and this year, for the first time in my PRD history, I gave myself an unsatisfactory and 3 or 4 below expectations. I did not feel like I was being hard on myself or hypercritical, I just felt like I set a goal and did not meet it, so I was not doing what I should. However, the issue is that I equated this with not doing my best. I was confused at how I could be having what my supervisor calls “a banner year” but feel like I was doing a lot less than I should be, and often, not enough to feel secure in my role. While writing my own feedback on my performance, I thought of the concept “COVID best” and realized that while my performance is not aligned with what I did in 2018 or 2019, it is the absolute best I could give in my current context.
Lower your expectations
Over the past 24 hours, two conversations with colleagues reminded me of the need to lower the stakes, standards, and expectations for others with whom we work. Just because someone has x years of experience and tremendous content knowledge, does not mean they will be able to perform in their role with ease this year. In one of these conversations, I told my colleague, “if you were achieving at an exemplary level with no issues and setting personal bests, I’d be a bit worried that you weren’t human”. At this moment, I was reminded that the difficulty we are experiencing in COVID is normal, and this situation is anything but. And yes, people have been talking and writing about this for the last nine months, but I did not have the capacity or energy to do that til now. I did not realize how much this drastic change was impacting me until now. Many of us have been on autopilot and going through the motions of school, work, relationships, church, and more, and have not stopped to realize how hard we are working to maintain our lives. For many of us, it is because we do not feel like our situation is hard enough to be difficult.
Stop comparing yourself
Hot take: difficult is subjective. What is difficult for me may not be difficult for the next person and vice versa. I thank God that right now, I have not lost anyone close to me to COVID, but that does not mean this time has been easy. My partner’s father is battling cancer, my mother is a 59-year-old registered nurse who has only worked more since this all began, and there has been far too much death, sickness, hurt, and pain experienced by people very close to us. Therapy is virtual now, and the respite we found in our faith community looks a lot different than it used to, but sometimes it feels like we should just be grateful. I learned during my master’s program that I am allowed to feel my feelings and not compare my situation to anyone else’s. If physical distancing and quarantine has challenged me and drained me (as an extrovert) but has energized you, nobody is wrong. I experience this how I do, and you experience this how you do, and both of those are correct. When we compare ourselves to others, we negate our own realities and dangerously attempt to meet someone else’s standards. For the rest of this year and next, I am going to intentionally live in my reality and set realistic expectations for myself. I recommend you do the same.
All things considered
When I look at my current context, I realize that I have a good reason to be tired, overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, and more. So, if I need a nap in the middle of the day, that is okay. If turning my video off during zoom meetings brings me more peace next semester, I do not have to dock myself points on my PRD—that may well be my COVID best for Spring 2021. If I have to change directions on a goal midway through the semester to be more intentional about my mental health, good on me for recognizing. For me, this is not getting easier; it is getting more difficult the longer I telework, telechurch, telefamily, telephd, and teletherapy. If next semester is even more difficult than this one, that does not speak to my incompetence or lack of motivation. There is a chance that my COVID best is my typical unsatisfactory, and I am working to be okay with that.
Thank you so much for reading this, and I hope you go into 2021 knowing that no matter what, your COVID best is good enough.